So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
