My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I understand Curling. That high.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
