There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
