Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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