who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
