Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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