3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
