You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize