mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
