The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
