Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
