apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
