Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
