i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize