I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
