New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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