if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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