I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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