You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
