he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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