she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
