Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
