Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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