How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
