is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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