Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
