There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
