you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
