I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
