my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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