my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
