can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
