Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
