i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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