I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
