thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
