I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
