I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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