you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
