Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
