How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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