how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
