When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
