Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
