I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
