Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
