His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So squirting runs in the family.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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