connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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