what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
