Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
