Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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