His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
