Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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