Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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