Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
