My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
