Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
