he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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