woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
